Back from spain: tips to solve annoying camping problems

I'm back from a 2 week vacation to Spain. It was awesome: the sun was shining, birds were singing, the sea was gulfing...

To add to the amount of subjective top-X lists on the internet, here is my top-3 list of things I hate about campings, and a suggestion of what to do about it.

3. Noisy people

When on vacation, noisy people are usually no real problem since I never have to get up early anyway. The one exception however is when I need to catch a plane at 8 in the morning, requiring me to be at the airport at 6 am. And since the airport is 150km away, I needed to get up at 3am.

So when people are noisy from 10PM till 3AM, partying away, yelling laughing and screaming, it gets under my skin.

Lame solution to this problem
The correct procedure to this problem is to ask them to be quiet. If they don't cooperate, find the people responsible for the camping and call (or have them call) the police.

Kickass solution to this problem
Track down where these people sleep. Since you're awake anyway, you'll have something to do. Once you now where they sleep, wait an hour. During that hour, find a bucket and fill it with water and all kinds of crap. Walk up the the tent, open it up and dump the bucket over/in their sleeping bag.

2. Smokers

Campings are great. Waking up with first light, going to sleep when the sun goes down. The social contact, the friendly faces, the fresh air...
And then people start lighting up cigarettes one after the other, stinking up the place with their cancer-inducing sticks of death. I wouldn't really mind it if they were nowhere near me or my tent, but for some reason I seem to be attracting their smoke where-ever I sit. To add to the disgrace, most smokers put out their cigarettes all over the place, leaving behind a trail of cigarette butts for every 3-year old kid to burn their bare feet on (It's a camping, people walk around semi-naked!)

Lame solution to this problem
Ask nicely if they would be so kind to put out their cigarettes and smell the nice air that comes with nature at no extra cost. Tell them about how smoking increasing the chances of catching lungcancer even when its inhaled through passive smoking by innocent bystanders.
Maybe they would be willing to smoke while going for a walk, so they don't disturb people.

Of course you could cave and go for a walk yourself when they light up...

Kickass solution to this problem
Who are we kidding ? Most smokers (if not all) are terrible jackasses who can't part from their filthy habits for more than a few minutes. Smoking is cool and social, so everybody should enjoy it. If you don't like the smell and decreased oxygenlevels, then you're an antisocial fascist controlfreak who is part of the problem, not the solution.

So what to do ? Well, you could open up a bottle op propane gas and put it under the table. First one who lights up, wins ! But then passive smoking is probably safer.
Since they are counting on you to step away from the smoke to leave them alone in their stench, you should. But noone says you have to leave it at that. Get some old raw meat or fish and grind it up real nice. Then dump it all on the floor and walk away. The place will be infested with all kinds of vermin, especially flies. The stench will be horrible, but maybe the smoke from their cigarettes will mask it, who knows ?

1. Flies

There is 1 thing you will never run out of on campings. You might run out of water or sunlight, maybe even oxygen or BBQ coals.
But you can always count on horrific amounts of flies to swarm in and sit on every piece of exposed skin on your body. Flies aren't actually as bad a smokers or noisemakers, except that there are so many of them around and they always get in the wrong place at the wrong time (for you).

Lame solution to this problem
Find out what attracts the flies in the first place and remove it. If that fails, get some of that sticky fly-catching tape and hang it up. Or get flysquatters.

Lame solution to this problem
Nothing says "I am cool" better than a combination of a aerosol can and a lighter to convince flies and other flying insects to vacate the area. Plus it's fun too!
Hold the lighter between you and the insect, then spray over the lighter towards the insect.
You can also use this technique to put fire to almost anything, including the tent of noisemakers, or the cigarette-stash of snmokers. Use at your own risk