how would a phoenix do it

20 Mar 2006 Go with the flow

While everything and everyone changes, there is one thing that doesn't change in my life: me.
It's not that I don't learn from my mistakes, I just can't let go.
Floating by on this river of life, things come and things pass. By the time I'm used to my new surroundings, the world around me crumbles down untill nothing and noone is left. So desperately holding on to the shore of this river, trying to keep everything afloat that I don't notice everything is gone.

I've been brought up to care for others, to be kind, warm and friendly and for what ? The promise that if everyone behaves like this, the world would be a better place. But it isn't.
People are sneaky, greedy and heartless. They will use you for their benefit and then get rid of you.

To care or not to care. Shakespeare could write a whole different play about this one.
It would be best to reduce the question to its essence. If you knew which people could be trusted and which not, the problem would be solved. Yet again, I'm confronted with this dilemma.

Is it a good idea to keep investing money in someone who can not handle money, in the hope somekind of awareness will grow ? Should I be heartless and ignore the calls for help which seem to get more desperate every time ? Is it a bad sign that people asking me for more money all the time, seem to take it for granted rather than consider it to be exceptional ?

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, but teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime. I've been in favor of letting people make their own mistakes for a while now. Experience is gained from solving problems yourself, not from listening to advice. Everything I know tells me that I can't interfere. If I give more money, it will just prolong the problem and in the end, make it worse.

But if this is the right decision, why do I feel so bad about it ? If this is the best decision for all parties involved, then shouldn't we all agree ? Why am I feeling guilt ? I don't like letting friends down and maybe that's the problem. Maybe she's drifted so far away from me that it would be best if I let go.

"There is no right or wrong, only fun and boring". I wonder what life would be like if I lived by the second instead of the first distinction. Having fun instead of worrying about what is right. Taking care of myself instead of others.

I'd like to think that it would hurt too much people if I stopped caring, but the truth is I'm pretty sure they don't care about me anyway. It must feel nice to know you can fall back on someone who is always there.

Maybe I should find some suckers whom I can fall back on too