the other kind of sick27 Nov 2008
Some time ago I logged the symptoms of a cold to have a reference in the future about how long my colds last. It so happens that I also suffer from another illness at times which is less physical and more mental. I don't know what it's called.
Having been in this state of mind a lot, I've been subjected to a lot of its symptoms in various groupings and various levels of magnitude.
Here are the ones I can think of right now:
- Feeling alone
- Speaks for itself. Feeling alone and socially isolated, noone to talk to or be around. Its range goes from a very tiny little feeling to the Great Mental Collapse of '98 which was worse by 4 or 5 orders of magnitude (base 10). It helps to go out and talk to random people.
- Being unmotivated
- Nothing to do or not knowing what to do, being bored, sitting still. At times it feels like nothing I do matters at all and that I might just aswell sit in front of a TV like a sack of potatoes. Usually (if not always) this happens when noone is aware of what I do and so there is noone to admire it. It helps to remember that other people's opinions don't matter and that I should do whatever I like to do.
- Thinking too much
- When I have nothing to do and keep my mind busy, my mind starts to wander and I
tend to think the worst. I start to wonder why I haven't heard from people in a while and conclude they no longer want anything to do with me. I start to wonder what use it is to do things, because I don't get anything out of it most of the time. I start to question my kindness and begin to believe that people are abusing it all the time.
And in general, I become too serious about things and noone wants to talk to me when I'm serious (unless I'm doing an exam of course), which reinforces my thoughts and that all becomes a self-fulfilling thing.
- Being in a bad mood
- When I'm in a bad mood, I get mad easily. I like to think I can hide it well, having seen a lot of bad moods from my parents and other family matters. But still it probably shows. Don't piss me off when I'm in a bad mood. I try to keep away from people to avoid snapping at them. I've learned the hard way that I can say things I don't mean and it's better to avoid saying them than to fix up things afterwards. In it's worst stage, I want to hurt people and destroy things. This hasn't happened before because I really do have self-control. But if I ever feel such a mood coming, I will get as far away as possible from anything and anyone I like. So if I'm suddenly on the other side of the planet, you know what happenend.
I found that sometimes sleeping helps. Sometimes running a couple kilometers helps. And then there are times when nothing seems to help. Still working on a one-size-fits-all solution.