the other kind of sick

27 Nov 2008
Some time ago I logged the symptoms of a cold to have a reference in the future about how long my colds last. It so happens that I also suffer from another illness at times which is less physical and more mental. I don't know what it's called.

Having been in this state of mind a lot, I've been subjected to a lot of its symptoms in various groupings and various levels of magnitude.

Here are the ones I can think of right now:

Feeling alone

Speaks for itself. Feeling alone and socially isolated, noone to talk to or be around. Its range goes from a very tiny little feeling to the Great Mental Collapse of '98 which was worse by 4 or 5 orders of magnitude (base 10). It helps to go out and talk to random people.

Being unmotivated

Nothing to do or not knowing what to do, being bored, sitting still. At times it feels like nothing I do matters at all and that I might just aswell sit in front of a TV like a sack of potatoes. Usually (if not always) this happens when noone is aware of what I do and so there is noone to admire it. It helps to remember that other people's opinions don't matter and that I should do whatever I like to do.

Thinking too much

When I have nothing to do and keep my mind busy, my mind starts to wander and I
tend to think the worst. I start to wonder why I haven't heard from people in a while and conclude they no longer want anything to do with me. I start to wonder what use it is to do things, because I don't get anything out of it most of the time. I start to question my kindness and begin to believe that people are abusing it all the time.

And in general, I become too serious about things and noone wants to talk to me when I'm serious (unless I'm doing an exam of course), which reinforces my thoughts and that all becomes a self-fulfilling thing.

Being in a bad mood

When I'm in a bad mood, I get mad easily. I like to think I can hide it well, having seen a lot of bad moods from my parents and other family matters. But still it probably shows. Don't piss me off when I'm in a bad mood. I try to keep away from people to avoid snapping at them. I've learned the hard way that I can say things I don't mean and it's better to avoid saying them than to fix up things afterwards. In it's worst stage, I want to hurt people and destroy things. This hasn't happened before because I really do have self-control. But if I ever feel such a mood coming, I will get as far away as possible from anything and anyone I like. So if I'm suddenly on the other side of the planet, you know what happenend.

I found that sometimes sleeping helps. Sometimes running a couple kilometers helps. And then there are times when nothing seems to help. Still working on a one-size-fits-all solution.