welcome to stage 5

02 Apr 2006 There was someone I used to help with math. It's one of the things I like to do, because math is simple and straightforward. While I was explaining things, I realised that I have a weird view on the world. I can't remember how I used to view the world, or how other people view it. (I was going to write "how normal people view it", but then I realised that it would be really arrogant to assume I'm in any way special)

Where others see numbers, I see patterns and trends. Where people see formulas, I see graphics. I have some kind of insight that I can't explain. I've been called a genius, but even if I would drop modesty, that would be overrated. I'd like to think I'm walking the fine line between geniality and insanity.

There is no mathematical explanation for human interaction, maybe that's why I'm so bad at it.

I've seen 5 stages in a friendship.

stage 1

after the introduction, there's some kind of mutual discovery where you learn things about eachother and form the basis of a friendship

stage 2

a period where you have fun hanging around, talking about nothing, doing things together. This is the fun part

stage 3

contact diminishes for some reason or another. while I do my best to stay in contact, the answer is mostly "no time".

stage 4

after managing to get in contact again, there are some more talks like in stage 2, but much less natural. I usually try to understand why stage 3 happened, while the other side doesn't seem to want to do anything to improve relations.

stage 5

the final contact. this happens shortly after stage 4. all contact is lost and I'm basically ignored.

It's ironic that my friendships always follow this path, while I assume friendships can't be defined to have a path...

I've recently lost a lot of friends. So much even that I believe I'm causing it in some way.
This has happened before, but I thought I found a solution, but I apparently didn't...
I'm drifting again with noone to fall back on

By cover of Darkness
One Star lights
The others

Drawn together
Stars enlight eachother
A dance of lights

Slung out, cast away
Back to the Outer Rim
Light fades to Black

The Deepest Star

-- DeepStar, Stage 5

I was at a birthdayparty of a good friend yesterday. She caused me to write

Friends, extensions of our soul, helping to carry the burden of shared thoughts,
standing shoulder to shoulder prepared and equipped to handle whatever comes
down the road of life, together.

There were so many people I didn't know, I felt like an outsider. Instead of engaging the unknown, I chickened out and wondered why I was there.
I left without anyone noticing.

I want to talk to her about it. Make sure she knows I enjoyed the time I was there. But I don't know how to do that.

How do you talk to someone about things that rip you apart, without scaring her away ? Is it worth losing a friendship just to try ?

I see no way out without damage. I need to take some distance without causing another stage 5.